It’s 6:58 pm and I am writing again. I don’t write ever so often, but when I do, know that at the moment I feel all sorts of emotions.
To start this blog, one thing that I want you to know is that I’m nearing mid-life and is currently working as a manager for a fortune 500 company. I’m going on my second year this year and have been thinking that perhaps, maybe this is already the ‘end of life’ of me with my company? That perhaps, maybe this the part I should quit and go somewhere ‘greener’? So many questions and yet I still have no answer.
My company is great, benefits, perks, remote work, salary, and so on. More importantly, my boss is great. Generous, kind, thoughtful, a lot of good things. Words can’t justify how great he is.
On the flip side, in the context of my work as a manager, not so great. It’s not something I’ve always enjoyed doing. To even get up in the morning is a struggle. Not that I hate it, it’s just not my cup of tea. There’s a difference, and I really didn’t mind until just recently.
I graduated as an engineer and envisioned myself working in the field, with software, robots, all these stuff for the betterment of the world. But life kicked me in the ass with reality that I’ll never get my dream job as my first job. My job is not taxing, I’m not overworked in any means. My boss doesn’t let me go alone in this path. He’s always with me. But my job, I think and sometimes feel that it isn’t for me.
I’ve always thought that this job is something that I got way too early for my career. I’ve always thought of me not being good enough and not being able to keep up with the demands of my work. Of course better salary, better benefits all mean one thing: a more demanding job. But as I’ve said, I’m not overworked. Over the course of my stay here, I have had different seasons – better days and not-so-good days where fire drills are almost everyday you don’t even have the time to think about thinking, if that makes sense.
Coworkers are great too. No bad fruit with my company. Honestly, this is the first job one could ever ask for. It’s almost a perfect job. My almost perfect job.
Almost. Until today.
I had a call with my boss at 5 pm, discussed about work and everything else on the top of our heads. We were about to end when he mentioned our actual numbers for the year. He’s happy and I’m happy we’re above targets. When you have double digit growth with a book of over 100m+ dollars at the moment, you know you’re doing something good. And I am extremely happy. We did it. Our team. Which as you know now, just the two of us.
I can sense how happy he was just by the tone of his voice. He never sound like that often, mind you. He’s not always serious but there’s a giggle I heard every now and then throughout our call. I’m happy we did it.
And then here comes the informal feedback he always does. Thanking me for all the hard work, efforts, everything. If I’ll have to be honest, I nearly cried.
That meeting I had five agendas. The last one I wasn’t able to mention. I wanted to tell him I want to quit. I want to resign. But I wasn’t able to. How can you even tell the one person who supported you since the start of your career that you’ll leave and use the skills you acquired for another company? How can you tell your team, which unfortunately just the two of you, that you’ll be leaving and he’s (who happens to also be your boss) going to be left alone? How can you leave such vibrant culture, company who values its people, and a boss who your future bosses will probably have a hard time reaching the standard he set? So many questions.
Sometimes I ask myself if the problem is well, me. For wanting more than what I have. For doing stuff out of impulse. For trying to control and realign my life to where I want it to head. Should I just lose grip and let life and lord take control? I’m not really the religious type but I believe that there is one or if not, many of higher power out there guiding us. I always pray and ask for signs. For wisdom. Should I just lose grip and not take control at all?
The call I had with my boss made me rethink my plans again. Maybe it’s okay to not have a plan for now? Or I should probably just study again and avail of that educ. reimbursement (a benefit not every company has). Perhaps, maybe there’s something wrong with me. Perhaps, maybe there isn’t.
The problem with clouded thoughts is that they’re clouded and never going to be clear. Eventually. But as of now, no.
Perhaps the best way is to lose grip and not take control? Even that is a question, not a statement. There are a lot of maybes. Also a lot of what ifs. What if I quit and it’s not really the plan for me all along?
But as we ended the call, I told myself that I’m going to be optimistic. It doesn’t have to be today. For sure, I’m going to find other opportunities down the road but I feel like it’s not today. That call I had made me rethink if what I’m doing is even reasonable. One thing’s for sure, it’s not today.
The little voice inside is for sure guilty of me not quitting. Where the hell it comes from, I don’t know. But that one little voice doesn’t let me go astray. Perhaps this call is a loudspeaker for me to hear clearly. Perhaps my plans are better in hold for now.
I still have something to do here. Metaphorically not yet extracted fully. My boss doesn’t even see the best of me yet. Why the hell am I going to leave again? Oh dear me.
Til next time,
P.S. TJ’s malay mo, tayo is the soundtrack of this blog. There really are songs that help one to write. Hope you find your song motivation too!