lose your grip

It’s 6:58 pm and I am writing again. I don’t write ever so often, but when I do, know that at the moment I feel all sorts of emotions.

To start this blog, one thing that I want you to know is that I’m nearing mid-life and is currently working as a manager for a fortune 500 company. I’m going on my second year this year and have been thinking that perhaps, maybe this is already the ‘end of life’ of me with my company? That perhaps, maybe this the part I should quit and go somewhere ‘greener’? So many questions and yet I still have no answer.

My company is great, benefits, perks, remote work, salary, and so on. More importantly, my boss is great. Generous, kind, thoughtful, a lot of good things. Words can’t justify how great he is.

On the flip side, in the context of my work as a manager, not so great. It’s not something I’ve always enjoyed doing. To even get up in the morning is a struggle. Not that I hate it, it’s just not my cup of tea. There’s a difference, and I really didn’t mind until just recently.

I graduated as an engineer and envisioned myself working in the field, with software, robots, all these stuff for the betterment of the world. But life kicked me in the ass with reality that I’ll never get my dream job as my first job. My job is not taxing, I’m not overworked in any means. My boss doesn’t let me go alone in this path. He’s always with me. But my job, I think and sometimes feel that it isn’t for me.

I’ve always thought that this job is something that I got way too early for my career. I’ve always thought of me not being good enough and not being able to keep up with the demands of my work. Of course better salary, better benefits all mean one thing: a more demanding job. But as I’ve said, I’m not overworked. Over the course of my stay here, I have had different seasons – better days and not-so-good days where fire drills are almost everyday you don’t even have the time to think about thinking, if that makes sense.

Coworkers are great too. No bad fruit with my company. Honestly, this is the first job one could ever ask for. It’s almost a perfect job. My almost perfect job.

Almost. Until today.

I had a call with my boss at 5 pm, discussed about work and everything else on the top of our heads. We were about to end when he mentioned our actual numbers for the year. He’s happy and I’m happy we’re above targets. When you have double digit growth with a book of over 100m+ dollars at the moment, you know you’re doing something good. And I am extremely happy. We did it. Our team. Which as you know now, just the two of us.

I can sense how happy he was just by the tone of his voice. He never sound like that often, mind you. He’s not always serious but there’s a giggle I heard every now and then throughout our call. I’m happy we did it.

And then here comes the informal feedback he always does. Thanking me for all the hard work, efforts, everything. If I’ll have to be honest, I nearly cried.

That meeting I had five agendas. The last one I wasn’t able to mention. I wanted to tell him I want to quit. I want to resign. But I wasn’t able to. How can you even tell the one person who supported you since the start of your career that you’ll leave and use the skills you acquired for another company? How can you tell your team, which unfortunately just the two of you, that you’ll be leaving and he’s (who happens to also be your boss) going to be left alone? How can you leave such vibrant culture, company who values its people, and a boss who your future bosses will probably have a hard time reaching the standard he set? So many questions.

Sometimes I ask myself if the problem is well, me. For wanting more than what I have. For doing stuff out of impulse. For trying to control and realign my life to where I want it to head. Should I just lose grip and let life and lord take control? I’m not really the religious type but I believe that there is one or if not, many of higher power out there guiding us. I always pray and ask for signs. For wisdom. Should I just lose grip and not take control at all?

The call I had with my boss made me rethink my plans again. Maybe it’s okay to not have a plan for now? Or I should probably just study again and avail of that educ. reimbursement (a benefit not every company has). Perhaps, maybe there’s something wrong with me. Perhaps, maybe there isn’t.

The problem with clouded thoughts is that they’re clouded and never going to be clear. Eventually. But as of now, no.

Perhaps the best way is to lose grip and not take control? Even that is a question, not a statement. There are a lot of maybes. Also a lot of what ifs. What if I quit and it’s not really the plan for me all along?

But as we ended the call, I told myself that I’m going to be optimistic. It doesn’t have to be today. For sure, I’m going to find other opportunities down the road but I feel like it’s not today. That call I had made me rethink if what I’m doing is even reasonable. One thing’s for sure, it’s not today.

The little voice inside is for sure guilty of me not quitting. Where the hell it comes from, I don’t know. But that one little voice doesn’t let me go astray. Perhaps this call is a loudspeaker for me to hear clearly. Perhaps my plans are better in hold for now.

I still have something to do here. Metaphorically not yet extracted fully. My boss doesn’t even see the best of me yet. Why the hell am I going to leave again? Oh dear me.

Til next time,

wannabewriterofmnl

P.S. TJ’s malay mo, tayo is the soundtrack of this blog. There really are songs that help one to write. Hope you find your song motivation too!

it's been a while, my friend

Normal people like me tend to forget what is essential to our well-being because we are consumed with our day-to-day life. We put effort to take care of others and unconsciously deprive ourselves of what makes us happy, calm, content even. This world turned us to corporate slaves, trying to get by, live by, just normal average people trying to survive.

It’s 1:27 in the morning and I can’t sleep. I was supposed to get back in finishing pending responsibilities at work but anxiety hit me. Again, and again. How can you even explain to someone you feel sad for a reason unknown to you? How can you tell a person you feel all sorts of emotions and struggle to contain it? How can you say you always feel overwhelmed? These are questions I have yet to answer, as I’m typing my first blog post after so many years of neglecting the only avenue for my anxiety and depression. I was always fond of writing ever since blogger days, then tumblr, then here we are at wordpress. I’ve always kept my identity secret, anonymous to everyone is my peg.

I don’t know what happened but I totally forgot that I have writing to save me. Well, let’s not call it save rather lend a helping hand during moments I feel so overwhelmed. I’d like to call anxiety mixed with depression as ‘being overwhelmed’. Let’s make it a little nicer, shall we? Besides, we’re just normal people trying to find nice things in this world.

It was during high school, where the peak of this ‘blogging’ thing really urged a lot of young folks at that time, like me, start a blog. I started at blogger, then ventured out to tumblr (because hello, cool kids are there and where memes REALLY started) and to wordpress. I didn’t really care what hosting site I use, in a similar way I didn’t care if there’s even someone reading this. I just wanted to write. To vent out.

Well Okay I wouldn’t lie that of course, at that time and until now, I want someone to read my blog and find this whole platform of my thoughts okay. I’m nowhere near perfect and thoughts can get here and there, but if there is someone who feels the same way as I feel right now, we can get through this. You’re not alone.

I’ve had phases like this, several of them throughout my ‘adulting’ life. It’s normal to get these episodes as at this point we’re transitioning from just a college student whose only problem is to pass a course to an adult creating a future. It can get overwhelming. That’s what’s happening to me. But as I’ve said, I forgot writing – my avenue to keep me ‘being overwhelmed’ at bay. It feels good to be back. My fingers somehow can even write its own paragraph without me thinking. How familiar writing is to me makes me terrible right now of even forgetting this art I’ve always loved.

Maybe this will help me. Just to calm my mind a bit and make my heart happy.

If you get at this part, thank you for reading, best,

wannabewriterofmnl

P.S. listening to Kenny Rogers’ through the years doesn’t make it better, but a very amazing song though!